Ginger L. Savage: Mourning the Loss
We’ve long heard about a “Social Contract” at the heart of our democracy and communities. How do we react when that contract has been breached?
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Ginger L Savage, Executive Director of Crossroads Carnegie Art Center in Baker City, OR. Lifelong Central and Eastern Oregonian.
"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back?" Frodo from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
As I embrace 2021 with the hope that soon my beloved parents and in-laws will go to the front of the line for a shot, the looming joy of vaccination and a return to normal is met with some disquiet.
I have been fortunate that the losses from COVID-19 in my world, to date, have been abstract. So far my losses have been relative remote – friends of friends, noted celebrities, colleagues who lost a cousin or an aunt – in comparison the immediate, personal, and deep losses of others. Of course, the deadly toll of the disease is just one sort of loss; there’s still devastation to businesses, livelihoods, and dreams – another kind of loss that has hit some harder than others.
My loss is on the horizon. My impending loss causes its own great pain, even today. My loss is the looming loss of friends. It’s a loss that could have been prevented by folks simply wearing a mask.
Masks—I remember the moment I realized they’d become a part of our daily lives and a new obligation to others. That moment wasn’t a government press conference or some proclamation from the City. Instead, it was an article in the Washington Post about the Spanish Flu Pandemic in San Francisco and the resistance to mask wearing. Within the article, there was a photo of a packed theatre, full of audience members all wearing masks. That was the moment I knew…that if we wanted some semblance of normal…mask wearing would be our reality. I have not taken my mask off in public since then.
To be honest, I don’t wear the mask for me. I am carrying too much weight and would likely not have a good outcome if I got COVID. Have I been sitting in the corner crying and trembling in fear? Oh hell no! But the mask isn’t about me nor for me. It’s about protecting my in-laws. So while my own COVID exposure isn’t my primary concern, I do understand that I could have the disease right now and be spreading it like Typhoid Mary and not know. Killing someone is not on my list of things I want to do in this life.
I am a rule follower—always have been. Not following them could be easier, but it would also be destructive. Rules keep this whole thing going.
But COVID has brought out something in people that is deeply troubling. It’s revealed those who prioritize their rules over the rules the community has established. The flagrant disregard for wearing a simple piece of cloth over your nose and mouth to protect others just confuses and angers me.
As I see the flicker of light at the end of this long nightmare…a few questions keep nagging me: What do I do in the after? What will the state of my friendships be?
Can I continue to be friends with people who broke the rules, ditched their masks, mocked others, and endangered others? How am I supposed to treat people who live in my community and voluntarily exposed others to risk?
I have had to cancel long standing “events” with friends because they do not wear a mask. None have ever offered “I understand that you work with the public and that you are being careful about your in-laws, so I promise you I will wear a mask.” This year, I faced some really difficult situations where I felt like I was in high school all over again. It was an immense peer pressure to take off my mask at gathering. The pressure grew so great that we had to leave. And, perhaps unlike high school, we’re ok not being the cool kids breaking the rules; we’ve matured.
If I walked up to a friend and hit them in the face—I assume our friendship is over? Right? Nothing I can do or say, mends the fence of me beating a friend up.
So, what mends the fence of the fact that when a friend had the choice of a minor inconvenience or the potential loss of a life, my friend saw my beloved in-laws as an “acceptable loss” in light of the crisis, took off their mask, and made clear that they were going to live their life THEIR way?
I have heard it all…they’re hot, they’re uncomfortable, I can’t breathe, I don’t have the disease, I had something in March that I think was COVID so I don’t have to, I don’t want to, you can’t make me, don’t think they work, do they protect me or you? My favorite…“I have to protect my lungs.”
In light of writing this piece, I should in all fairness call one of my non-mask wearing friends and delicately inquire, “Tell me why they don’t wear a mask.” I know that would be the “right” or “polite” way to respond.
But what will they tell me? What is “polite” in a pandemic? I thought it meant wearing a mask…
When I call, what will they even say? Will they tell me all those things I listed above? Will I hear illogical Constitutional mutterings? A great conspiracy theory? Will there be a nugget of something that makes me say, “OH, okay I now get it and wow I have had it all wrong!”
I doubt it because it’s unlikely they’ll tell me anything that I haven’t already read about and researched.
What excuses their behavior? Does it excuse those who screamed at the clerk in the store? Does it excuse those who proudly walk down the aisle the wrong way glaring at those wearing masks? Does it excuse the feeble half-hearted joke that you “are one of ‘those’ mask people” with a subtle little snicker?
I fully expect that in the months ahead as vaccines roll out I will get the text or the call of let’s get back together for coffee or lunch. What do I do? Will they care that that I haven’t seen my aging parents for over a year? Will they sympathize with the fact that I have only seen my oldest son for a few days in the summer and don’t know when the next time will be? Will they be able to relate to not being able to decorate for Christmas because I was just so emotionally devastated by the lack of caring surrounding me? Will they call me a sheep? Or a snowflake? Or something worse?
I hope that in the days ahead I can resolve this in my heart. I hope that as we get vaccinated and peoples’ anxiety decreases that something will change. Apologies given-but from whom? Me or them? I hope this vaccine can slow the spread of COVID-19 and save friendships at the same time.
We’ve long heard about a “Social Contract” at the heart of our democracy and communities. How do we react when that contract has been breached? Here’s to finding remedies and resolving to uphold our obligations to one another as friends, community members, and Oregonians.
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Contributor’s Note: This was written before January 6th, 2021 and the violence at our nation’s capital. It will be one more dividing point with our relationships in the days ahead. GLS
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What are your feelings AFTER vaccination?
Exactly, Ginger. Thank you for putting your feelings and point of view in print to share with us. We are as careful as we can be because we are a two houses family and we have grandchildren in our care most days. And because I believe in the Social Contract, I, too, wear the N95 in public to protect all of us, not just myself. I gladly gave up social gatherings and shopping to keep our family safe. I know the anger and frustration provoked by those who forget that their rights end where my nose begins, as Dad used to say. I don’t know how I will feel about them when this is over. To be honest, I really don’t want to think about it right now. But I will some day. Again, thank you for writing this. Stay safe. Barbara Jackson Gornick